Spoons

Today I became aware of the Spoon Theory, a tool to help empathize with the daily compromises someone dealing with a chronic illness has to make. Go read that real quick. That’s oriented toward empathizing with someone with an illness where they have to make daily physical compromises but my brain spun off in a bunch of different directions after reading about it, wanting to map it over to my personal experiences with depression.

+ During the periods I was depressed, I started the day with fewer spoons than average. I might start with 17 vs the 20, 30, 40, or even unlimited daily spoons for happier folks!

+ On days I was hung over, each task had a higher spoon cost AND I started the day with fewer spoons. Just getting out of bed, showering, and picking out clothes would burn several spoons. Compounding the problem, you might only start with half the number of normal spoons if the hangover is especially spectacular.

+ I’ll go a few weeks at a time where I experience ‘anxiety tremors’, where I feel like there’s a nonstop low-grade earthquake happening. During those periods I’m burning spoons just sitting on the couch! The act of merely existing is taking an outsized toll on my spoon reserves.

+ Social media and cable news pours gasoline on how fast you burn through spoons.

Layer all of those together, and this is where I was at toward the end of my time at my last company. I started each day with such a spoon deficit that it felt like I was swimming through molasses. In order to continue doing a good job at work and provide my team what was needed, I’d use all my daily spoons there and then not bring any home. Family and personal life ran a deficit. I was endlessly compromising between activities, frugally deciding which ones are “spoon-worthy”, when what I really wanted was enough budget to do ALL of them.

I’m happy… relieved… to say I’m in a much better place now. Some of the changes I made on my journey to maximize the value of my spoons:

Gave up alcohol. Yesterday was day 250. At some point I’ll stop tracking daily and have an annual reminder in my calendar. This gave me back those spoons bad sleep and a hangover would’ve cost me while providing zero value.
Exercising more. Regular exercise, even if it’s a 30 minute walk through the neighborhood, is good for an extra few spoons a day that I can allocate as needed.
Social media pruning. On Facebook I unfollowed 70%+ of the people I’m friends with and have a strict No Politics Or Religion On The Feed rule I follow when I post. On Twitter I unfollowed a bunch of people so that my timeline is now more oriented around topics I’m interested in. I suspended my Instagram account. This has lowered my spoon-burning metabolism where I’m spending cycles having arguments in my head about some stupid stuff <cable news personality> said.
Working to cut out negativity in general. Lift up instead of put down. Support rather than criticize. Take the time to empathize.
Being outside more. Even when it’s cloudy, even when it’s cold and windy, being outside has a calming effect on me. Super bonus points if it’s in the woods.

With the benefit of hindsight I have a better picture of where I was at and what needed to happen to break the cycle, but man… it was hard to see it while I was in it.

The next month is looking positive. We’re getting into warmer days, I may have news on the job front, and we’re leaving in less than two weeks for a nice family vacation during the kids’ spring break. Me and my spoons are ready.